Heathcliff's New Year's Resolution: To get down with the female personal trainer at the desk.

Why It Failed: The male personal trainer "flamed out" on him.

Result: Heathcliff, now liberated from the shackles that he'd worn in the form of his ugly-as-fuck girlfriend, resolves to wear nothing at all (...nothing at all...nothing at all...) except for a sweat band. Look out, Mid City...Heathcliff is dressing like Lincoln and starting nuclear wars...at the gay bar.

That or he's taking up juggling.

Threat of the Day: Sodomy? It's legal here.