Sunday, December 9, 2007
I refuse to believe that this strip actually exists. Tell me I'm hallucinating. Please. Because the Westfinster Cat Show (WEST-FUCKING-FINSTER) was a month ago!
I digress though, and honestly, I'm probably being a tad of a nitpicker, because there are larger problems with this strip than the giant fucking hole in the space-time continuum. Seriously. So, explanation time!
Heathcliff attempts to win last month's cat show, only to be disqualified on the basis that he didn't brush his teeth. His Owner-Boy offers his condolences while thrusting his right hand down the front of his jeans. I think I'd rather imagine him handless, rather than imagine what Peter Gallagher imagines he is doing.
Honestly, they disqualified a cat for not brushing it's teeth? Look at those things! They're fucking massive! It's like Heathcliff is some fucked up version of Kafka, where he was an annoying, ham loving Brit who woke up a cat...only the process stopped because the teeth would have been too much work. Give the fucking cat a break...he's posing for you! POSING! What other cat at the prestigious Westfuckingfinster Cat Chow could possibly pose that well?
I'm sure that Heathcliff, upon losing, went on an off-panel rampage, screaming "ONLY HEATHCLIFF HAVE TEETH THAT CAN EAT HUMAN IN SINGLE BITE" while the owner boy had no choice but to bathe in the torrent of blood that followed. All that, and he only got 10th place.
And seriously...buildings are not named after the event that happens in them! Jesus, next time I go to Monster Jam, I'm going to have a fucking hell of a time finding the "Wrestlemania III Memorial Auditorium." But then again...at least it would be an auditorium and not just a fucking building with a label for what's going on inside.
I'm sure Tony is proud of the fact that he has five cats and has managed to keep all five of them happy, but we aren't fooled: the sign on the door is meerly a ploy to lure the neighborhood children inside. The parents aren't suspecting it, because "PETTING ZOO" in block letters is less of a give away than "FREE CANDY" in the hastened scrawl of a man days away from being on "To Catch A Predator." Needless to say, Tony's end will come when a kid tells their parent's how cool the trouser snake they got to pet was.
I'll see y'all in Hell.